You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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