i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
