nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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