At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
