someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
