I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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