Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
