should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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