and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
