OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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