I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
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Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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