I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
