The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
