i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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