so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
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I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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