my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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