I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
