I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
do herpes really smell.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
