I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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