So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Someone came in the potted fern
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
