just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize