I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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