How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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