My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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