I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
