when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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