I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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