Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
