So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
