There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
