if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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