Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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