The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
