Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
