Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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