wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!