Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
