Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
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My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.