Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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