jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dating After Heartbreak
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.