6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Please, let me fuck your mom
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
