the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
