Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
