I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
