i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
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I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
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I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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