apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My penis needs a shock collar
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
