dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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