when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
