Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
