allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
