She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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