toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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