Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
