I think my fart just growled at me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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