She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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