Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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