i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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