your thong is hanging out like whoa
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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