I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
