I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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