My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
