I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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