When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
