I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
